You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize