Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
