mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
