i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
