Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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