So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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