Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
