meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
