Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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