ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
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