you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Randomize
