i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
