What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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