we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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