I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
