Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
