We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
