mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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