My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
