well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
