He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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