Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
