its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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