I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize