Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
