my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
My balls are so social today.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
