her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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