dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
