I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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