I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
