i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
