I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
