Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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