Your dad touched me again.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
