dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Randomize
