I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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