What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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