dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
