Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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