So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
