my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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