Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize