Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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