the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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