I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
