Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
