did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
