I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Found the puke drawer
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
