dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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