You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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