You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
