At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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