i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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