i think my tv is drunk
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
