to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
