I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize